this is love.

5 weeks down. 99 to go.

This week was my first full week on the job. 24 hours a day. 5 days. I spent every evening in the woods, and I survived. A noteworthy accomplishment, I'd say.

As Valentine's Day is upon us, I've decided to spend this weekend loving on myself, so I went to Raleigh and got a hotel room. Tonight, I bought myself sushi and met up with a friend. A good evening. Tomorrow, I'll go to church and play a game of Ultimate before heading back. Life is good.

The two days a week that I have off are essential to my survival. For five days, all I can care about is my campers. For two days, I can care about me. This weekend I need this time in a big way.

Two of my campers are no longer in my group now. One graduated. He completed his time at camp and can now move on with his life--back home, back in school. I won't ever get to know how he does unless his family worker updates me. In this case, no news is good news. I'm proud of him and hope he makes good choices for his life.

The other has been transfered to a mental health hospital. My heart shattered as I left his hospital room on Friday evening. After spending all day with him and two other campers at the hospital waiting for his papers to come in from the magistrate, I couldn't bear the thought of never knowing how he is. He promised he'd write me. I hope he does. Over the past month, I've watched him struggle with and overcome some demons inside of him that have kept him from progressing at camp. I've seen a lively, talented, hilarious young man crumble underneath the pressures of his past that he's holding captive within. No child should suffer as many of my kids suffer. No child should be taken from one hospital to another in shackles without their family to support them. I left him with a ball and a note that contained a list of things that I felt made him great. He left me with a hole in my heart longing for his healing and his freedom.

Earlier today, I was talking to my mom, and she helped me to summarize how I feel about my job. She said she heard 4 main things each time she spoke with me:

1. I think that the work I'm doing now is work worth doing.

2. I know deep down that this is exactly where I should be.

3. I am horrified at what I experience each day.

4. I wonder how the heck I ended up here and what the heck I'm doing.

She pretty much nailed it. As I walked out of the hospital with the other two campers, I broke out into tears. This is love. Every single day, I wake up, and I fight for these kids. Regardless of how horrifying it can be, I know it's worth it. Right now, they don't recognize it, and some days, neither do I, but each day I wake up, and I hope that this day is going to be better than yesterday. I commit to doing whatever it takes to meet the needs of my campers. I fight for them. And now, I have two less campers to fight for. I can only hope that they will fight for themselves.

I realized that the only way I can effectively fight for them is if I protect ME on my time-off. By ME, I mean, protecting and pursuing the things that have remained consistent in my life and that bring me happiness, peace, and hope. Thus, happy valentine's weekend to me.

And to you, too. Your encouragement helps me to protect ME. I couldn't do this without you.