my lighthouse came to visit.

6 weeks down. 98 to go.

I decided two days ago that I like my job. I wrote this to a friend yesterday evening, but upon more consideration, I think it's better to say this: I convinced myself two days ago that I like my job.

I've never chosen to do something that I'm not a "natural" at. In everything I've done, I'm usually very good at it--otherwise, I don't do it for very long. I am, hands down, not a natural at this job. But no one is. It takes about a year to be good at this job. As my supervisors have said, even the very best at this job still experience the worst moments of this job. I can do everything I should, and the kids will still curse me out, they will still run out of bounds, they will still have their problems. What makes you good at this job is how you handle yourself and their problems in the same moment.

All of this said, at the end of every day, I feel like I accomplished something. 12 kids were fed three meals, took showers, and didn't die. Some days, they actually go to class, play a game, build something. Those are great days.

The challenge is this: identifying the positives of each day and making the positives overcome the negatives of the day.

The positives: My kids are hilarious. They crack me up multiple times throughout the day. They surprise me. They are clever--they come up with ideas that I could never think of on my own. They are talented artists, musicians, creators. I live in the outdoors--I see the sun rise and set each day. I am outside ALL DAY LONG in mostly beautiful weather (we shall not discuss the torment of winter at nights or what will be come summer time with yellow flies :-/). I spend very little money and eat way too much food. I have co-workers that encourage me and know the ins and outs of what I'm experiencing. I get to see kids succeed at overcoming their triggers and obstacles every single day.

For now, these are much more valuable to me, and they overcome all that is negative with this job. All that is difficult. All that is draining. My goal is to make this last as long as possible--a year at least, hopefully more. I do not want to look back 20 years from now and wish I would have stayed longer than I did.

I write all this from a coffee shop in Wilmington, NC. Sitting across from me is my mom. She came to visit me this weekend. It is so good to have her here--if only for a little while. My mom is my lighthouse. The bright light that shows me where the ground is, that warns me when I'm headed towards some place I don't want to go. A solid structure that withstands all of my storms, that is still standing when I feel like everything else has crumbled. I am so glad she came. She reminds me that I can do this, even when I know deep down she wishes I were still in Texas.