I'm sitting in a pretty posh hotel room right now in Durham, NC the night before a week-long training for how to survive the woods and the kids in the woods. I've been without steady internet for the last two weeks, so I apologize for the delay in posting. I've finally gotten to the adventure, and I can't tell you about it as much as I'd like.
It's probably best that I can only blog once I've processed my experiences and gotten away from the woods. I can tell you one thing, though: I left Dallas for a challenge, and I got one.
I'm struggling with an adequate way to summarize the last two weeks that will be fair to my experiences, true to the nature of this beast I've encountered, but still communicate the hope that I feel for a promising 2 years here in the woods. Maybe bullets will be best:
- These kids are hurtful.
I somewhat expected my gentle demeanor, friendliness, and warm heart to win these kids over immediately. I could never be more wrong. I am an authority figure to them who has not been trained and does not know the ins and outs of camp. They don't know me. They don't respect me. They don't trust me. And they are not in control of their environment or situation. I went in knowing that I could never understand their lives, but I did not go in realizing this. They act based on these feelings--and I am their target. It's tough, but each day gets a little better. Not because they stop, but because I am becoming tougher. They can call me anything they want to. They can draw attention to the things that I've been secretly insecure of for 23 years as often as they'd like. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not abandoning them.
- These kids are damaged.
A child got exited from the program this week, and in the two weeks of transition from camp to a detention facility where he'll spend the next 3 years, his family would not take him. Right now, he's in a homeless shelter. These kids have been dealt the worst hand possible and live in some of the worst situations possible. They've done what they think is right to protect their family, what is cool to fit in, and they've done dumb things to survive. Some of them don't know better. Some of them do. No child should be in a place where his family is so fearful of him that he cannot go home. I want better for these boys. And deep down, they want better for themselves.
- The staff is exhausted.
- The woods are beautiful.
Simple as that. I live in nature. I live among the trees and the foxes and the wind and the cool. I see the sun rise and the sun fall every morning and evening. I see the stars shine above without hindrance. I see the moon wane and wax. This is my life. I am so grateful.
More to come....
Be tough compadre. Show those kiddos you are not to be messed with. I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteAt 21, my daughter remains on the edge of the world in my mind. She moved in with us at 6 and we adopted her at 7. She was sexually abused, physically neglected and emotionally abandoned by her birth family. She called social services at 5.
ReplyDeleteHer diagnosis is BiPolar with a host of other cool letters. This host of things did not stop my spouse and I from loving her when she had RAD and did not know how to love us.
Amazing as it sounds she even graduated from Westlake HS. Then she broke with reality. She called the cops and recreated her call to social services at 5. She confused what happened to her as a child with her 18 year old reality. We had to keep her away for our own safety. Never has my soul been more tested.
She did some horrible, frighting things. She lived on the street, sleeping in a nook at our church on the drag. We finally ignored those in our lives warning us that with words she could put us on the defensive in jail or court.
We helped her anyway by getting her in to a transitional living facility. It took every bit of our faith to hold us together.
She moved in and lived in transitional housing with SSI and Medicaid for 6 months until we could get her into a GOOD apartment used to house the homeless. This apartment was BROKEN.
All the people she encountered where so horribly broken I struggled to come and visit her. I met her away from there. I could not let my focus see the plight of the emotionally scarred and mentally forgotten living on the edge of the world 2 miles from a world class university and the capital of Texas.
All this time at ACC she maintained a 3.86 but kept dropping her math classes. She maintains the 3.86 but has dropped over 50% of her classes. In this, we find extraordinary hope.
Nine months into her life in the apartment, she stopped taking her 15 or so medications and supplements. She kept visiting her psychologist with us. She just lied about taking her meds.
She got engaged. She severed all ties. She did not show up for groceries or money. All this in was a response to my spouse and I taking a three week vacation out of the country. Abandonment.
So many things went through me; blame and remorse topped the list. I had made this worse. I hurt my daughter even more!
We moved her back in on January 4th. We are seeking rehab for mental health. She does not have chemical dependency so no funds for the rehab. We are tapping her college fund. She is on her meds. She is better today. Tomorrow remains unknown.
But on reflection, I can tell you with absolute certainty that i have hope. My faith is stronger. I believe that hearts like yours exist in the world to reassure those who are damaged and broken. That your work will help others to cope then thrive.
It reminds me that when we met 2 years ago God had a plan. That by reading about your journey years later, I would know to keep my faith.
And I could share with you a real story of what can happen when we draw a line in the sand and say not this child. Not while I breathe.
Each day I hear Jesus tell me to see Him in her. Each day I feed her, clothe her, visit her in the prison of her diagnoses. His sheep - Our Sheep - Love Him - Love her.
Hope is hard to find. But in the darkest part of the human soul there is light. It is amplified in those around us. We are compelled to seek it out for fear our own light will fail.
We are drawn to each other by the light of the love we show each other. We are girded by the Word in those around us. We are made whole together. One Body One Blood. Love is Hope.
In my head I hear the void of reason saying you have said to much. Don't scare her. Don't place the weight of the world on her shoulders. But instead I offer my shoulders to you.
We are there for you Tattoo. Hang on to the light. Know you are loved. Know you are not alone. And in the darkness, we are just out of sight and not gone.
Thanks for letting me share. Tell me to leave if my words are too much for you now.
BBBP---
ReplyDeletePlease keep reading and commenting. Thank you for sharing your story. As much as this seems like this blog is a way for me to share my experience with my loved ones and be encouraged by their support, I hope for more than that. You just gave me more. There is hope for your daughter. You are a loving man with a gentle and generous spirit. Keep loving her. I hope my words can encourage you to do just that.
I'm glad you're still in my life!
And Matt A. - I love you! These kids can mess with me all they need to if that gives me another chance to show them grace and patience.