the love that moves the sun and stars.

16 weeks.

As I approach my 4-month mark, I've decided to stop counting down the days until I've reached my two-year mark.

You might be asking yourself, "Self, why would Lydia stop counting down the days until she quits?"

Well, I'll tell you. I feel like over the last month or so, I've become a little sad about my current situation in the woods. The countdown made it feel more like a prison sentence rather than an opportunity, a certain amount of time I'm obligated to complete before I can move on with my life. I don't really want that as my perspective because I am exactly where I'm supposed to be doing exactly what I'm supposed to do--even if it is the gosh darn hardest thing I've ever done in my brief existence on this planet. Also, if I choose to shorten my term at camp, I don't want to feel as if I failed. In the end, if I choose to stay or go, that decision will not be taken lightly, and to leave will mean that I have exhausted all of what I'm able to give to these kids, and that, to me (and I sure hope, to you), is no failure. This camp is a stepping stone to more opportunities to serve kids and this world and, as the poet Dante describes, "the love that moves the sun and the other stars." (I'm currently reading Eat, Pray, Love where the author speaks of Dante's work. An honest note just so you don't start assuming that I'm now an expert on Italian poetry. Let's be real.)

I have returned from the great state of Texas, y'all. And it was good. So good.

Let's say that one more time, shall we?

It was so. so. so. so. dang. good.

You know? In four days time, I was able to be surrounded by a number of people who love me and who care about where I am and how I am, who took the time to pour into me if only for a few minutes. I am so humbled by the support I have back home. (Cheers to you, friends!) I even made a few new friends as we celebrated the joining of our dear Katy and Brad. These new friends even took the time (after knowing me for only a few hours) to pour into me and love on me. WHAT?! Who ever deserves such love and attention from practical strangers?! Apparently God is working overtime on making sure that I don't crater and fall before it's time.

Oh, and lots of Tex-Mex was eaten. Necessary to include, but not quite relevant. Let's move on.

Enter: Charles, the Economist from Chappell Hill. Southwest Flight 1067. Window seat.

A nerdy fella with his earphones in listening to Sigur Ros. Fast forward 2 hours and 55 minutes later. Charles has somehow kept me talking about my job, my life ambitions, my heart and soul, and has shared his opinions which were surprisingly optimistic and socially aware (as he says, most economists in the research field are shockingly similar to non-profit idealists). Charles will never ever know the impact this conversation had on me, but as I tapped my toe at the baggage claim, it hit me!

I have direction!

My mind was opened up just long enough to see what it is I want to do with all of this experience I'm racking up. God has always blessed me with incredible hindsight (aren't we all blessed with this type of 20/20 vision?!) where I can see his hands at work and how he had pushed me to be exactly where I should have been at the exact moment to bring me to the here and now. Is it possible that I now have a little foresight? This is exciting.

I'm not quite ready to share the direction, but I'm thinking that it will combine the best of both worlds that I've come to love--the wilderness and the city. Stay tuned.

As I transition back into camp, I'm clinging to some realizations I had at church this morning. I think that for the last few weeks, being in survival mode had distracted me from really loving my guys as God has loved me. I am here doing all of this because God first loved me, and the Gospel commands us to dedicate our lives to this type of work. Yes, I'm here for a change. Yes, I'm here to grow, but mostly, I'm here so that these kids can know a greater love. If I am distracted by my anger and sadness and disappointment that each day doesn't quite go as expected, I am not loving them as God loves me. He loves me with reckless abandon even when I run away. He sees me with forgiving eyes even when I spit in his face. He embraces me, even when I shove him away.

My friends. My family. Let me never, ever forget this.

I have a plan to take better care of myself on my time off--to do what I need to do and not get distracted by the ease of doing what others are doing.

I have a plan to do something with this life that has been given me, and right now, at 2:27 am on the last few moments of my vacation, I am excited about that.

And God has a plan to see me through to the very end (Philippians 1:6).

Heal my heart and make it clean.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like you have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.
Everything I have for your kingdom's cause.
As I go from nothing to eternity.

-Hillsong United