texas on my mind.

15 weeks down. 89 to go.

I hesitate even to write tonight. Maybe I should hold off until next week when I feel better, but one week from today, I'll be celebrating one of my dearest friend's wedding back in Texas.

I wonder if that's what has me down. The more I think about the four days I'll spend back in Dallas, the more I think about how much I miss home. The double-edged sword of being a homebody and a wanderer, I suppose.

The brutal truth:

I'm exhausted. This six-week session, as you may have noticed, has been quite the trip on my body, my nerves, my existence, my everything. Lots of change, growth, transition. Too much, really. Too much at too fast of a pace where I find myself fighting to keep up, hoping not to lose myself in the storm.

Writing all of this seems pretty melodramatic, but hey, it's where I'm at tonight. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I miss my family and my friends, and I miss the opportunities to be me however I needed to be me. Here, I'm limited. I have 5 days a week to bring as much of me into a job with kid who don't really appreciate my personality and hobbies. I have 2 days a week to do things that I love to do, but to also build relationships inside and outside of camp. At the end of the week, I make a sacrifice one way or the other and pay a price for it eventually.

I know I'll be okay. I know I'll survive. I know it's worth it. I know that I won't give up. I just hope I won't let myself lose myself in the process.

Some inspiration in the form of music for myself--and for my mom, so she doesn't worry too much after reading this post:

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be okay
I'll make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life.

-Addison Road, Hope Now