28 weeks.
My six-month campiversary has come and gone, and so has the six-month wall to accompany it.
I can feel myself drifting from the excitement and commitment I had back in January, and as I reach out to those who know and love me, I'm feeling a surge of support that has never wavered but continues to surprise me. The support that comes from my loved ones is unconditional, but there has been and continues to be a hint of "get out of there now!" that comes alongside their steady hands of guidance and love.
I'm starting to feel that same need for escape. I can't decide what is actually fueling it. There are multiple reasons. One might be the weather. I'm constantly sweating and itching. I can't get away from the heat or the bugs. One might be the staff. The numbers of gainfully employed crazies at camp are dwindling, and it doesn't seem like anything is being done to rehabilitate the program. One might be the kids. I'm running out of interest in riding the roller coaster of emotion that comes with every success and failure of ten different kids. When one kid is doing well, there is surely another who can't get his act together. When one kid has a problem, they all seem to get jealous and throw their own problem. It's exhausting, and just at the moment when I feel like I can't take it anymore, one kid decides it's all my fault and throws a giant "f*** you!" in my face.
Another might be the call to something next to normal. I've found some peace and love in my time off lately, and it's something I've come to long for while I'm working. I've come to appreciate the value of an 8 to 5 job for what it offers you as an individual. Nights and weekends. Freedom to grocery shop, to cook, to clean, to write, to play, to love, to be. Things I miss and need in my life.
I read this quote the other day that hit home:
People should not worry as much about what they do but rather about what they are. If they and their ways are good, then their deeds are radiant. If you are righteous, then what you do will also be righteous. We should not think that holiness is based on what we do but rather on what we are, for it is not our works which sanctify us but we who sanctify our works. - The Eckhart Society
I have spent my whole life saying that I wanted to have the hardest work in the hardest places with the hardest people. I don't want to give up on that, but I also don't want it to come at the sacrifice of the beautiful parts of me.
I'm surviving...or something like it, but to be sure, I've got some thinking to do.
What ever you do, you are loved Tattoo. Be at Peace. Like in Mark 4:39.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in the Army, I told the full time Secretary to the Colonel (I was her backup when she was out) that I could not wait to get back to the real world. I had great respect for her and her husband. Her rebuke caught me off guard. "This is the real world!"
I did not know it at the time, but they were very brave and very loyal to our country. They risked their lives to cross the boarder into "peaceful" cold war Eastern Europe to covertly gather intelligence while undercover.
How much more real was there?
I was very lonely in the Army. I took solace in the Christian S2 (Intelligence Officer) and his aid (the secretary's husband). When I was doubting my choice to take up arms against our enemies, I spoke with the S2 and his aid. I asked the question how can I kill someone if ordered.
None of us realized there was an Officer, a West Point graduate, working in the security vault. He heard me. He charged out and became the storm. My career was over. I would be dishonorably discharged. I was gone.
Then the S2 rebuked him. He reminded the West Pointer that this was a secure location and he was sworn to secrecy regarding "any and all" information disseminated in the room.
Then the S2 answered me "That others may die if you do not."
I was never tested. I never had to know if I would kill.
The West Pointer never spoke to me again or returned a salute. I was in the real world. But I was not where I wanted to be nor where I felt God called me to be.
And like the boys on the boat, God is with you. And if you are with God, where else do you need to be.
Life's a bitch and you are experiencing the most earnest aspects of this truth. I love your resilience and desire to care for people and self. May your beautiful self maintain and allow that beauty to be grown and changed through this crazy life you live.
ReplyDeleteGod speed my soulful friend. Love you and love that you get in the trenches of life with people the world has said are lost causes or not worth the energy.
I respect all you do. You are dear to my heart. Remember that if you need us to "take care" of some people just let us know.
I love you and am thankful for all you do.
Keep kickin life in the ass.