keeping christmas

Christmas has come and gone.

A week's worth of family, friends, food, and rest has left, and now I'm sitting on the floor of a partially emptied apartment holding on to as much of it as I can.

On Sunday, my pastor shared with me the words of Henry Van Dyke about what it means to keep Christmas. For me, for the next two years, I hope to keep this Christmas as close to me as possible. His sermon is brief and powerful, and I suggest you read it, if only to understand the rest of what I'm going to write. You can read it here.

My mom always talks about the wonder and magic of Christmas. For my entire childhood, this is what I remember about Christmas. My mom and dad never failed to recreate a magical Christmas every year. Since my parents divorced, my mom has continued to try to recreate that magic, and my brother and I have spent every Christmas Eve with my father and Christmas Day with my mom--allowing the magic and wonder to envelop us every December 25.

Holidays have not been easy since my parents divorced--it's just the simple truth of a divided family, but they have remained magical.

I longed for this Christmas to be just as magical as the 22 Christmases before, but I feared that it wouldn't be. Financial struggles, death, broken relationships and more were threatening the magic of Christmas this year, and my move to North Carolina wasn't helping matters.

Conversations with my mom about what Christmas would look like made me wonder how we'd keep the wonder alive, but I had faith, not because I knew it was possible, but more because it had to be possible. I needed this Christmas more than anything.

Unlike years before, though, it wasn't the tree or lights or stockings or food that made this Christmas magical. It wasn't even the mystery of our Savior's birth. This part of Christmas remained simple, which allowed for the true meaning of Christmas to come alive for me: the meaning and significance of community.

I already wrote about the sacrificial love demonstrated by my friends this holiday season as I prepare to go. Today, I want to talk about my family.

My family may not appear perfect. My parents are divorced, and the four of us are scattered throughout Texas. "But what God has put together, let no man separate." Regardless of our past, present and future locations and happenings, my family is my life. Leaving Texas is even harder because I'm leaving them here.

My older brother is my rock. Growing up, we weren't that close. We are very different people, and I spent most of my childhood idolizing and scrutinizing my brother's life. I don't know how or why he didn't kill me, but in the midst of my nitpicking, I have always admired my brother. After our parents divorced, he was strong for me, and I learned to love him in a way that allowed us to be friends. Everytime my heart breaks, he's been there to help pick up the pieces, to guide me into safe territories when I don't know how to cope, and to make me laugh again. He gave up so much for me this past week--driving all over Texas to help me move and to spend time with me. And as I sobbed through goodbye, he just held me. I want to keep that moment with me forever.

My father is my champion. We have had a rocky go of it for the past 7 years, and when he's had plenty of outs to just cut me off and let me drift out of his life, he has fought hard to keep me in it. In these moments, blinded by anger and hurting, I haven't been as grateful as I should, but I know that 20 years down the line, when I have my own kids, I'll really know what it took for him to fight for me. We haven't had much one-on-one time since the divorce, but this past week, he devoted hours to me, helping me move, helping me find a new car, and just being my daddy. I couldn't have survived this move without him, and as we drove back to his house in my new car, I found myself enjoying the time with my father without a care in the world. I want to keep that moment with me forever.

My mother is my heart. My adventurous spirit and curiosity about the world and the people who live in it is from her. We order the same food at restaurants and decide to call each other within 5 minutes of the other thinking the same thing. She is my kindred spirit, and my adventure to North Carolina is the extension of her lifelong adventure. She holds the world on her shoulders, and I recognize the sacrifice she makes of herself to make sure her family is okay. She sacrificed the wonder of Christmas this year to make sure that I was with the rest of our family, but the wonder remained because she was present. I want to keep that moment with me forever.

My family demonstrated selflessness to me this Christmas--the greatest gift of all to this wandering spirit. My family is the reason I am able to make this move. Their hands are the hands that have molded me into the woman I am today--the woman who could imagine no other life than a life bigger than myself dedicated to making sure that others get the chance to be as blessed as I have been.

Are you willing to forget what you have done for other people, and to remember what other people have done for you; to ignore what the world owes you, and to think of what you owe the world...to own that probably the only good reason for your existence is not what you are going to get our of life, but what you are going to give to life...(to) look around you for a place where you can sow a few seeds of happiness?...Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and the desires of little children...to bear in mind the things that other people have to bear on their hearts...are you willing to do these things even for a day? Then you can keep Christmas.

Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world--stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death--and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem nineteen hundred years ago is the image and brightness of the Eternal Love? Then you can keep Christmas.

And if you can keep it for a day, why not always?

But you can never keep it alone.

My family is what allows me to keep Christmas.